It happened again.

I miscarried this morning.

I didn't even know I was pregnant this time. We weren't trying, but we weren't being careful either. I took a HPT two weeks ago since I thought there was a chance I might be pregnant, but it was negative, and I got what I thought was my period a couple days later. Then my parents came to visit, we got distracted by everything with the new house, and I got emotionally wrapped up in my first miscarriage. I never gave being pregnant a second thought.

This morning, when I realized that what I was experiencing seemed suspiciously like a miscarriage, I took another pregnancy test and it was positive. I then proceeded to have a mental breakdown because I was shocked, confused, and overcome with grief. Once I calmed down, we called my doctor and told her what was happening. We all knew it wasn't looking good, so she told us to go to the ER to have everything checked out. They confirmed my suspicions. I was six weeks pregnant and was miscarrying.

It all happened so fast. I woke up super early to watch the Royal Wedding and had a pretty normal morning until I went to get in the shower. The next thing I know, I am sitting in the same perinatal office where I found out I was going to miscarry the first time. I hate that place. I am never going back there ever.

Everything is very different this time around. I didn't have a chance to get attached to the idea of being pregnant, having a baby, etc. I am sad and upset, but I am mostly overcome with anxiety because there is a greater possibility that there is something "wrong" with one or both of us. Hopefully we can now get some testing done and figure out what to do next.

In the mean time, this sucks.

Alive

Wow. Thanks for all the love and support! I've got a reader full of great blogs again thanks to all your comments.

This weekend we headed out to western Maryland for a ski trip with a bunch of our friends. We had a great time. Make that an amazing time. I even went skiing and have a nasty bruise on my leg to prove it. I cooked all the meals for our "family dinners", we played lots of games, watched lots of football, and spent many hours in the hot tub. We also killed more cases of beer than I care to admit, but everyone needs to let loose now and then, right?? Don't worry, I'm detoxing this week.

The best part is that I didn't think about my miscarriage almost the entire trip. I was lying in bed Sunday afternoon after we returned from skiing and realized that I had not thought about miscarrying once. And in that moment when I did start thinking about it, I didn't cry. I just reflected on the fact that it happened, but I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness. As I continued thinking, I actually felt like I was on a trip to have fun, not that I was on a trip to help me forget about everything that has happened. That's an additional crappy thing about going through something traumatic...you are in a daze for a while. You do things and go through life because you have to, instead of actually living your life. I felt alive this weekend. That's progress.

Where do we go from here?

We are now in the stage of "where do we go from here?". I am not sure I can definitively answer that question, but we do have a few things planned that are helping us look to the future instead of dwell on the past. That doesn't mean we will ever forget what happened or the baby that we lost, just that we need to move forward and go on with our lives.

So what do we have to look forward to in the coming months?

Attending the Penn State vs. Indiana game at Fed Ex Field. We didn't attend Penn State, but I have a few friends that did and I went to a bunch of games back when I was in college. We are going with one of my friends that we haven't seen since our wedding! It will definitely be a fun time.

Hosting our parents for Thanksgiving in DC. This whole experience has really opened my eyes to the importance of family. I really miss my parents and can't wait to see them in a couple of weeks. We are lucky that our parents get along with each other pretty well despite their differences. We have spent two previous Thanksgivings together, and we always have a nice time.

Seeing Elf on Broadway at Christmas time. AJ surprised me with tickets the other night. I cried (tears of joy). Elf is my favorite Christmas movie of all time and I have wanted to see the show since the day I heard it was coming to Broadway. We are just going up for one night, but it will be a great holiday getaway.

Renting a house for a ski weekend with friends. My work friends and I just booked an awesome house in Western Maryland for a ski vacation over MLK weekend. And it is an amazing deal to boot! The house has a hot tub and a pool table and is only a few minutes away from the ski resort. It should be an epic weekend.

Vacationing in Grand Cayman with my parents. Instead of getting us a bunch of stuff we don't need for Christmas, my parents are paying for us to go with them to Grand Cayman over President's Day weekend. We haven't been on a "real" vacation since our honeymoon, so this will be a perfect escape before a stressful spring and summer (what with buying a house, moving, the bar, and all).

So where do we go from here? Apparently we go on a lot of trips and spend a lot of time with family and friends. But seriously though, being around those that love, support, and distract you really does help. And being in fun places doesn't hurt either. We will also be spending a lot of time enjoying our last few months in DC. After all of that maybe we will be ready to start trying for another baby. Until then, we are just a normal couple soaking up all the fun that we can!

Two Weeks Later

It has been two weeks and I am happy to report that I am feeling a little better.

This has been one of the most difficult emotional experiences I have ever had. I still have moments where I get sad. I sometimes cry. In general, though, I am doing okay. My doctor told me that it can take months, years, or even the birth of a healthy baby before I fully accept what happened to our baby. That is tough information to hear, but I am just trying to remember that it should get easier every day.

I am not going to go into great detail about the miscarriage, my reaction to the meds, my follow-up appointment, the emotional roller coaster, or any other graphic information, but if you would like to know about my experience, I am more than willing to email with you. I found great comfort (and hope!) in the stories other women have shared with me. Each woman's experience really helped me to feel less alone and also helped me to understand my own thoughts and feelings. I hope no one has to go through pregnancy loss, but realistically I know that some women will. If it does happen, know that I am here to listen or chat.

Thank You

I chose to write about my loss because I wanted sympathy. Maybe that makes me selfish, but sympathy is what I truly needed at that point. What I got was so much more than that. I can't even begin to express my gratefulness for all the love and support I received from you all. This has been the most difficult week of my life, and each and every comment, tweet, email, text, and phone call has helped me to grieve the loss of my first pregnancy and slowly pushed me toward the path to acceptance. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Sad News

Today was supposed to be the day that I announced my pregnancy to all my blog and twitter friends. Instead I am here writing with a heavy heart and tears streaming down my face because I found out this morning that my pregnancy is no longer viable.

I have so much going through my head right now, that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with feelings. Devastation, sadness, anger, disappointment, and embarrassment are the first ones that come to mind. I'm also confused because we had two positive ultrasounds. One at 7 weeks and one at 8 weeks. Warning: the rest of this paragraph is TMI. I had my first ultrasound at 7 weeks because I was spotting and cramping and we ended up in the ER. I didn't get to see the sonogram at 7 weeks, but we were told that the baby was measuring on track and that there was a strong heartbeat. I stopped spotting a couple days later and when I had an ultrasound at my OB's office a week later, again, everything looked great. I started spotting on and off the next week and it continued for the rest of the pregnancy. Up until this weekend, the spotting had all been brown. As my doctor repeatedly told me, brown blood is old blood, and I shouldn't worry too much. On Saturday, I started spotting more heavily and the blood had a reddish tint. Still, I tried not to freak out. This morning, however, I knew something was wrong. I passed a small clot and there were gobs of dark red blood. I cried the entire time I was in the shower, but there was still a small part of me that thought the baby might be okay. After all, I had been spotting before both of my previous ultrasounds and everything was fine. We decided to go to my appointment this morning, which was in the perinatal center, not my OB's office, because I would be getting an ultrasound for the first trimester screening. As soon as the ultrasound began, I knew it was bad news. The fetus only measured 7 weeks, 6 days and there was no visible heartbeat. The rest of the morning is a blur. The director of the perinatal center came into the room to deliver the bad news because the on call doctor was dealing with an emergency in another part of the hospital. We were both already in tears at that point, but I guess she had to officially go over the results of the ultrasound. Then the doctor came in and told us the same thing. She also noted that the gestational sac was way too large for 11 weeks. I am not really sure what that means and at this point, I can't remember what she told me. The director then walked us upstairs to my OB's office and we were seen by one of the other OBs since mine wasn't there today. The doctor walked us through our options and did a quick internal exam to check my cervix. It was still closed, so she reported that the miscarriage probably wouldn't happen on its own at this time. I opted for the medicine that will induce the miscarriage instead of a D&C. I know it will be emotionally and physically painful, but I think it is the best option for me. We then left the hospital and headed home.

I don't really know where to go from here. We have already told our family and friends the sad news. Everyone has been loving and supportive, but there is only so much anyone can say. I guess I will pack up my pregnancy books, maternity clothes, and the baby stuff I bought. I will put it all in the back of my closet. Hopefully it will come out again soon, but I sure don't need to see any of it right now.