Sad News

Today was supposed to be the day that I announced my pregnancy to all my blog and twitter friends. Instead I am here writing with a heavy heart and tears streaming down my face because I found out this morning that my pregnancy is no longer viable.

I have so much going through my head right now, that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with feelings. Devastation, sadness, anger, disappointment, and embarrassment are the first ones that come to mind. I'm also confused because we had two positive ultrasounds. One at 7 weeks and one at 8 weeks. Warning: the rest of this paragraph is TMI. I had my first ultrasound at 7 weeks because I was spotting and cramping and we ended up in the ER. I didn't get to see the sonogram at 7 weeks, but we were told that the baby was measuring on track and that there was a strong heartbeat. I stopped spotting a couple days later and when I had an ultrasound at my OB's office a week later, again, everything looked great. I started spotting on and off the next week and it continued for the rest of the pregnancy. Up until this weekend, the spotting had all been brown. As my doctor repeatedly told me, brown blood is old blood, and I shouldn't worry too much. On Saturday, I started spotting more heavily and the blood had a reddish tint. Still, I tried not to freak out. This morning, however, I knew something was wrong. I passed a small clot and there were gobs of dark red blood. I cried the entire time I was in the shower, but there was still a small part of me that thought the baby might be okay. After all, I had been spotting before both of my previous ultrasounds and everything was fine. We decided to go to my appointment this morning, which was in the perinatal center, not my OB's office, because I would be getting an ultrasound for the first trimester screening. As soon as the ultrasound began, I knew it was bad news. The fetus only measured 7 weeks, 6 days and there was no visible heartbeat. The rest of the morning is a blur. The director of the perinatal center came into the room to deliver the bad news because the on call doctor was dealing with an emergency in another part of the hospital. We were both already in tears at that point, but I guess she had to officially go over the results of the ultrasound. Then the doctor came in and told us the same thing. She also noted that the gestational sac was way too large for 11 weeks. I am not really sure what that means and at this point, I can't remember what she told me. The director then walked us upstairs to my OB's office and we were seen by one of the other OBs since mine wasn't there today. The doctor walked us through our options and did a quick internal exam to check my cervix. It was still closed, so she reported that the miscarriage probably wouldn't happen on its own at this time. I opted for the medicine that will induce the miscarriage instead of a D&C. I know it will be emotionally and physically painful, but I think it is the best option for me. We then left the hospital and headed home.

I don't really know where to go from here. We have already told our family and friends the sad news. Everyone has been loving and supportive, but there is only so much anyone can say. I guess I will pack up my pregnancy books, maternity clothes, and the baby stuff I bought. I will put it all in the back of my closet. Hopefully it will come out again soon, but I sure don't need to see any of it right now.