Monday, October 18, 2010

Sad News

Today was supposed to be the day that I announced my pregnancy to all my blog and twitter friends. Instead I am here writing with a heavy heart and tears streaming down my face because I found out this morning that my pregnancy is no longer viable.

I have so much going through my head right now, that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with feelings. Devastation, sadness, anger, disappointment, and embarrassment are the first ones that come to mind. I'm also confused because we had two positive ultrasounds. One at 7 weeks and one at 8 weeks. Warning: the rest of this paragraph is TMI. I had my first ultrasound at 7 weeks because I was spotting and cramping and we ended up in the ER. I didn't get to see the sonogram at 7 weeks, but we were told that the baby was measuring on track and that there was a strong heartbeat. I stopped spotting a couple days later and when I had an ultrasound at my OB's office a week later, again, everything looked great. I started spotting on and off the next week and it continued for the rest of the pregnancy. Up until this weekend, the spotting had all been brown. As my doctor repeatedly told me, brown blood is old blood, and I shouldn't worry too much. On Saturday, I started spotting more heavily and the blood had a reddish tint. Still, I tried not to freak out. This morning, however, I knew something was wrong. I passed a small clot and there were gobs of dark red blood. I cried the entire time I was in the shower, but there was still a small part of me that thought the baby might be okay. After all, I had been spotting before both of my previous ultrasounds and everything was fine. We decided to go to my appointment this morning, which was in the perinatal center, not my OB's office, because I would be getting an ultrasound for the first trimester screening. As soon as the ultrasound began, I knew it was bad news. The fetus only measured 7 weeks, 6 days and there was no visible heartbeat. The rest of the morning is a blur. The director of the perinatal center came into the room to deliver the bad news because the on call doctor was dealing with an emergency in another part of the hospital. We were both already in tears at that point, but I guess she had to officially go over the results of the ultrasound. Then the doctor came in and told us the same thing. She also noted that the gestational sac was way too large for 11 weeks. I am not really sure what that means and at this point, I can't remember what she told me. The director then walked us upstairs to my OB's office and we were seen by one of the other OBs since mine wasn't there today. The doctor walked us through our options and did a quick internal exam to check my cervix. It was still closed, so she reported that the miscarriage probably wouldn't happen on its own at this time. I opted for the medicine that will induce the miscarriage instead of a D&C. I know it will be emotionally and physically painful, but I think it is the best option for me. We then left the hospital and headed home.

I don't really know where to go from here. We have already told our family and friends the sad news. Everyone has been loving and supportive, but there is only so much anyone can say. I guess I will pack up my pregnancy books, maternity clothes, and the baby stuff I bought. I will put it all in the back of my closet. Hopefully it will come out again soon, but I sure don't need to see any of it right now.

44 comments:

  1. Oh sweetie, my heart just breaks for you. I am praying for you guys...I know that words won't make this better, but I hope that time will.

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  2. Oh...honey, I can't even imagine the sadness. I'm sending you and your family love and positive thoughts, and prayers for strength.

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  3. Oh, I am so, so sorry. You guys are in my prayers - please take care of yourselves.

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  4. I am so sorry. I know words don't make a difference right now but please know I am thinking about you and saying lots of prayers!
    xoxo

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  5. I am so, so sorry. I have been in your shoes and it's just heartbreaking.

    Definitely rely on your friends and family for support, take time to grieve, do whatever you need to do to feel okay.

    I hope that everything goes well over the next few days and that you are able to try again as soon as you're ready.

    Big hugs.

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  6. I am so sorry to hear this. Sending hugs your way.

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  7. Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss. You and AJ will be in my thoughts and prayers--sending virtual hugs your way.

    xox

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  8. I am so sorry. I am sending you a big hug and I am praying for you.

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  9. I am so sorry, my heart just broke reading that. I hope time helps to heal and the positive thoughts and prayers that people are sending your way give yu some comfort.

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  10. I don't even know what to say. My heart hurts for you. I'm here if you ever need anything. I'm so sorry.

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  11. i remember writing a post very similar to this, only i didn't have the courage to do it while i was going through it.. i wrote my post nearly a year later. through this, although it may not seem like much now, you'll find small comfort knowing that SO many women have been in your shoes. it was a surprise to me, but somehow, made me feel better. i wasnt alone. like you, i had two positive US too. i never thought it was possible or that it would happen to me. and it was devastating. many people dont know what to say, many people say the wrong thing and you'll continue to cry and grieve.. and thats OK. if you need to talk or to vent, i'd be more than happy to listen or to share my story.. i, too had that box at the back of my closet. and two years later? almost to the day that i miscarried (at 13 weeks), my son was born :) lots of hugs..

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  12. So sorry to hear this sad news, take the time to grieve this loss. Take comfort in the fact that you are healthy and are able to get pregnant.

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  13. Oh I am so sorry to hear this news. I will be thinking of you and AJ and sending love your way.

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  14. So sad to hear about this. Praying for comfort and strength for you and your husband. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to cheer you up.

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  15. I am so sorry. SO sorry. My heart hurts for you as I know how wonderful and exciting it is to have a little tiny soul growing inside, and I can't ever understand how something like a miscarriage even exists. It is amazing how many people have had them, however it doesn't make it any better as this was YOUR baby and YOUR excitement and YOUR family. It's okay to be pissed, it's okay to scream and cry and be devestated. Don't be embarrassed- you did nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of. Your body was protecting itself in some way (which doesn't make it any better- that's just how it is medically). I'll be praying for you- that you and AJ can heal and that you will eventually want to try again.

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  16. So sorry to hear this news, you and your family are in my prayers.

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  17. I am so very sorry for you and your loss. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling while you process all of this. You have such courage to share this and you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I think AEOT said it very well in saying that it's okay to be pissed along with all of the sadness and confusion you must feel.

    As I wait (and wait for what feels like forever) to get a positive test rather than just be late this is such a fear of mine. I am praying for you to have comfort and peace at this point in your lives.

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  18. Oh, Jackie, I'm so, so sorry to hear this. So sorry. I know there's nothing we can say to be helpful in a way that matters, but please know how much we (I, at least) care about you & are thinking of you.

    I don't know if you're religious or spiritual. I don't know if I am, either. But I do believe that the universe works itself out, that things happen when they need to happen, & that down the road, if you look back, you can always find reasons to be thankful for the way things work out. Right now, I'm sure that's no comfort. But I hope that eventually, there will something to learn, something to cherish, something to appreciate - and the future will work itself out for you.

    So much love.

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  19. I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine what you and your husband are going through. Allow yourselves to grieve and then look forward to the future. I will send some prayers your way!

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  20. Thinking of you and sending you prayers. xoxo

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  21. Jackie - I am so, so sorry and I love you. Please don't feel embarrassed - you did absolutely nothing wrong! The other feelings are totally normal. I am so sorry that you and AJ are having to go through this, and I am sending you all the love and hugs possible.

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  22. My heart is heavy for you, my friend. I have been in tears since I read your e-mail. I am praying for you and AJ all the way. I love you.

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  23. I never normally post but read your blog often. My sister recently went through the same thing, and it is heartbreaking. As others have said it is nature's way of dealing with things, not that that makes it any better and it will take time to heal. You have a family and husband that loves you, hold on to the love while you grieve.

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  24. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must feel. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

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  25. I'm sorry Northerner! It is really hard to go through something like this. I'm thinking about you!

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  26. Oh Jackie - I am terribly sorry. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. My sister had a similar miscarriage a few weeks ago as well- hers was 8 weeks along. I can only think that there was a reason for both to happen and that there is hope at the end of the tunnel.

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  27. i can't even imagine how you're feeling Jackie, I'm so sad for you two and your loss :( :( keeping you and Alson in my thoughts and prayers <3

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  28. Sorry for you loss, know that God has a plan for each of us! Don't give up!

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  29. So sorry to hear the news. I've known many to experience miscarriages. You'll be in my prayers!!

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  30. I am so, so sorry to hear this news. My thoughts are with you so much right now.

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  31. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be good to yourself as you grieve and heal. xoxo.

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  32. I don't know what to say. I am sorry and my heart aches for you. xoxo

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  33. My goodness. I'm so so sorry sweetie :-( I feel so terrible with tears in my eyes for you. Hang in there - I'm sure good things will come your way soon. Miss you!

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  34. I am so so sorry. I don't have the right words to say.. but I'm praying for you.

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  35. So very sorry and sending you support.

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  36. Oh, Jackie. I don't even know what to say. You'll be in my thoughts, and here's hoping you're pulling those little things back out of the closet very, very soon.

    xoxo

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  37. Honey - again I'm so sorry for your loss and I know that there is nothing that can be sad or done to diminish what you are goning through. There's just now shortcut. But do know that there are many out there who have been through it as well, and though it might not seem like it, you will get through this. I wish I could take the hurt away from you - but I'm here if you need anything. Take care of yourself and make sure to talk about it to AJ - that's the only valuable advice that I can pass on. Thinking of you both and praying for you.

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  38. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

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  39. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking of and praying for you and your husband--this must be a tough time for you both. I know it doesn't feel this way now, but things will get better. I'm hoping you'll be putting your new things to use at some point soon.

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  40. So so sorry for you and your family. You are all in my thoughts. Sending you a hug from California!

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  41. I'm late commenting on this, my dear, but I wanted to make sure I said something. Honestly, I thought your less-frequent postings over the past several months might be due to baby news...I'm not sure how I knew, just a feeling. But I'm certainly sorry to hear that it didn't turn out the way you and your husband hoped. Thinking of you...virtual hug.

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  42. I've never commented but I've followed your blog for awhile now and today, my heart just broke for you. I am so sorry this is happening. I experienced the same thing this time last year and I will tell you that it is the hardest, and most painful thing to deal with.

    If you need someone to talk to you, I'm here. I have found it is easier to talk to someone who has experienced the same happenings... rather than someone who hasn't, because they truly don't know the saddness and pain that you are feeling.

    Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way...xo

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