Just want to warn you that this isn't a warm fuzzy post...
Last night we had our first child birth class. It included an overview of the third trimester and how your body prepares for labor, as well as the low down on the three stages of labor. I left the class feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I was hoping that going to the class would make me feel less anxious because knowledge is power, but everything that I've gone through over the last two years is haunting me again. I came home from the class and lost it. Like, ugly cried.
I have two specific fears. The first is that my body won't be normal during labor. One of the things the nurse discussed last night was that your body was made for child birth and you don't need to worry about it because it'll happen (or you'll be induced) and your baby will be born and you'll forget all the pain and blah blah blah. But, I am just not sure I believe that. Everyone says your body is made for pregnancy too, and I know that it isn't that simple. There are millions of women that struggle with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, but no one likes to talk about that stuff. What if my body doesn't know how to be in labor? What if something goes wrong? I have a great doctor and I am delivering at my dad's hospital so I know I will get great care, so if something does go wrong they will deal with it....but the crazy, hormonal, irrational part of me can't help but doubt my body after going through two miscarriages.
The second fear is the process of labor itself. I have been in (some degree of) labor before, and it did not end well. My first miscarriage was a missed miscarriage, so I had to choose between a D&C or taking medicine that would induce labor. I opted for the medicine because I didn't want a surgical procedure. I don't think I ever really blogged about that experience because it was so awful, but let me just say....if you are ever in that situation (which I hope you are not), go with the D&C. I took the medicine and some Tylenol PM around 9 o'clock that evening, because I was told that I would have the contractions while I slept, and would pass everything in the morning. That is not what happened.
I went to bed around 11 with some mild cramping. I tried falling asleep, but couldn't because the cramping turned into full on contractions. We tried a heating pad, different positions, massage, etc. but they kept getting stronger and stronger and nothing gave me relief. I was crying and screaming for AJ and my mom to take me to the hospital. They called the on-call OB, but they said it was all normal and that there really was nothing they could do at that point. Then came the chills and vomiting between contractions. Sometime around 3 in the morning, the contractions stopped. I fell asleep for about 30 minutes and then woke up because I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. That is when everything passed. It was so traumatic sitting there seeing all the tissue that included my first baby. I will never forget the devastation I felt in that moment.
My point in telling you this story is that this experience has scarred me. I am terrified of being in that kind of pain, and that pain is still associated with my first loss. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I know this experience will be different, but it is impossible not to have this memory creep up in my head every time I think of labor.
So...that is where my head is at right now. I have 6ish weeks to get my shit together so I am not a basketcase in the delivery room. Lord help me.
